View From the Eagles Nest

Matthew 23;24....Luke 13;34.... The joys and blessings of a fat chick in a skinny world. Faith for the journey, hope for the future, the beauty of nature, wilderness roads, life in general, family, the past and present, from the memory of a country girl stuck in the big city...SEX...now that I have your attention visit my blog...

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Location: midwest, United States

I'm a follower of Jesus...I Love the Lord!Iam a artist,love to write,I have two grown daughters,4 grand childern.I enjoy traveling.this is my blog and I say what I think.if you dont agree thats fine.you dont have to read it.sometimes I deal with so much crap,I feel like a farmer.check out my new blog "willow in the mist."

Friday, November 24, 2006


sorry to see fall go this year.the beauty of fall always blesses me so.the canadian geese that fly over and hearing them late at night as they head on their long jouney.the smell of the leaves as you walk on them.the colors that seem to just get prettyer every year.this year I wished they would have all stayed.this has been a year I would rather have just skipped altogether.but fall I would have liked to have last for just alittle while longer.we still have warm weather and I love it but wish the colors would have stayed longer.it seems so long to the time it comes again.I just am not looking forward to the winter this year.I had a chance to talk with my mother in law,and she said that the hubby will be in the hospital for 4 months do to his problem of not taking the pills,this will be the 4th time in 3 years he ended in the hospital do to his mental condishon.and for stopping the pills.and he refused to sign the SSI papers so he will not be able to get help eather.its sad when people refuse help that was given.its hard to deal with people like that.now he has no one to pay the bill and his folks don,t know what to do.its sad to cause because of his stubburness and the way things turned out the rest of the family has been turned off because of this.they seen us as christains and we testifided how the Lord was helping us and then this all happened.so now they don,t understand.and its because of the way the hubby is handling this.no one in their right mind refuses help.and the Lord doen,t tell you that you should stop takeing your med,s unless you are ready.and its plain he is not ready.God doesn,t black mail you.He doesn,t say "well now you have to stop taken your pills or you don,t have faith!"He says "I will work with you tell you are stronger and then we will do as the doc says and let him tell you your able to move off them."but hubby didn,t listen to anyone.the paster the pasters wife the lady that prayed with us,me or any of the others who told him.his mom and Dad both told him to stay on the pills.the sad thing is I don,t know the real man at all.in three years of being together,I still don,t know who I married.and it is scary to say the lest.all I know is I realize now its not going to work.and Iam thankful I gave him the chance to come back and try it once more cause it showed me I couldn,t be with him like this.I would never have known and always wondered if we belonged together.but I seen its not going to work.so after praying about it I feel for my own self to servive I have to go it alone.the lady at my apartment helped me alot.she said "you need your needs met too!!!'you can,t always be the one who gets left out where your needs are consurned.yes its true I was in need of some care to.someone to leen on when all the junk with the family was going though.someone to step up and say Iam here for you!!!.but no he was too busy with himself.when I needed to go to the hospital I needed to call my daughter cause he wouldn,t take me cause he said he would pray and I didn,t need to go.that was 2years ago.the last time I had to go was last winter.and he acted like a family friend instead of a husband.he was distant and acted like he would rather be anywhere but there.I felt more alone then if I were alone.I waited 18 years to find someone that I could spend my life with only to find that he was so into himself that there isn,t room for anyone else.he needs sooo much attention that it sucks me dry and leaves me dry and with nothing left for myself to give.I have a family and they still need me to.and I wasn,t able to even spend the time with my grandkids or family cause I didn,t know what he would do.I feel bad about this but have no other way to handle it.when you are with someone they should keep their promises and be there for you two.I stuck by him through this tell I seen that he wasn,t able to do the same.I don,t need to be his caretaker.I needed a husband not a little boy with a mind problem.he left me at a time I needed him the most,my mom was on we thought her death bed and my family had been ripped apart and I was told I needed a operation.I was left to deal with all that plus the fact he left.6 months I heard nothing from him.and he was into the wreidest junk a person could be into.finely when I got myself with the Lords help back on my feet .and desided to go on alone.he calls out of the blue.he said he finely desided he loved me.I had forgiven him and just talked to him and was his friend.then one day he called and said he was ready to come home cause he loved me and wanted to come home.well I thought that the Lord had done a big work and I against better judgement let him come home for a weekend.but things got crossed and he moved in.it was barely a few days when i could see it was not the right thing to do.the pills he promised me he would take he stopped. and he acted as if it was his job to change me.now I have let the Lord do the changing in my life.and that is how its done.and if anyone comes to you and tells you other wise tell them to buzz off.God changes us not people.the person who came home was someone else I didn,t know and didn,t like very well.he would push me to walk when i was having problems with my leg,s and get all huffy when I said I just wanted to set and he could go if he wanted I would just spend time with the Lord.but he would pout and not go.so then when i said its ok just go cause I know you enjoy long walks.he would finely go.I am a big girl and its hard for me to walk long distances.I can do good on flat surfaces and do go for walkes.but he wanted me to go down a 200 foot cliff and then claim back up again when my hip was acting up and even getting out of the car was hard.it was as if he was punishing me cause I wasn,t the person he thought i should be.I said you need someone who is more your age and ablity.he would get mad and say you are the one!! but then push me to do things I wasn,t able to do.he is younger then me and I have lived a long hard life.and its now I want to enjoy my life and take it alittle slower.I still do well for a older girl but he never was awhere of how well I was doing.I had been using a cain and had gotten rid of it had been through cancer and almost died. and it took almost two years to get all my strength back.but he thought I should be doing more.he felt some how I would be young again.yes the Lord does renew our strength,but not so a old lady goes back to being a 40 year old.he would sit from dusk to dawn reading his bible. there isn,t anything wrong with reading your bible but there is other things to do as well.and i still had to go on as nothing had changed.he said he helped with stuff but it would take him 1 hour to do what took me mayby 20 minutes.and he would stand and talk to himself or the voices he would hear or stand with the frig open for long 10 minutes and it would freak me out.then he would say the Lord told him this or that every few minutes or so.but it wouldn,t line up.I could go on and put it all down but its just too wierd for me and anyone else.finely when the so called voices started talking to me out his mouth that was too much for me.so I asked him to leave and go home to his Dads.I borrowed money to get his pills he was out of and gave him the last 30 dollors I had .and when he was in his car and leaving I went to my daughters to get back on my feet.on the way I felt like a big failor again.but as I prayed this came to my mind."you arent, responciable for the pain of those who will not take your addvice."and this peace came over me and I knew I had made the right choice.I felt like I had been given the chance to finely know that this wasn,t what God had planned for me.He wants his kids happy and he doesn,t want them to be stressed so much they feel like closing down.I felt like I had hope again.the month with hubby had been soooo stressful I had felt like just diving my self off a cliff.but the Lord had been with me and got me safely through it.as I drove to Anna,s i could feel the Lord healing my nerves and helping me look forward to my future again even if I was alone,he would be with me.I know the Lord is trying to help hubby to but hubby isn,t listening to the Lord.he thinks he is but its not.the Lord works with you where you are and if you refuse his help then you go through the mess.I prayed about this all and did the best I was able for my hubby but he has to help himself now.and if he will not get the help he needs. then I am not to blame for his stubburn additude.but I will not go back to that life.I have to think about me now and my family and the ones who do need me and want my help.I will always care for hubby and pray for him to get on his feet.but I am not able to be with him.I will not put myself in a place where I may end up hurt or worse.now if some of you don,t like what I said about this I can,t help that!I have to do what I have to do.and I feel this is the best for both hubby and I and the family.there comes a time when you have to step away while you are still friends and care.rather then waiting and ending up hating.so I will leave this in the Lords hands cause I can,t do anything else for hubby.and I can,t be what he needs and he isn,t able to be what I need.and so "you" know I know what hubby is going through!! when my kids were in their teens I had a nervous break down.and was in the hospital for almost 2weeks.I had what they call clinical depression.it was the pit,s.I had tryed to kill myself but the Lord stopped me.by saying "if you do this your girls will come home from school and find you.I stopped by thowing the pills in the toilit.but hubbys problems are alittle more complix.he hears voices and he does things to himself that normal people don,t do.and he has diffrent personalitys.so its out of my ball park.so he needs help from people who know how to deal with this cause I do not!!when I was sick it took over a year to get back on my feet again.and it was done with conceling and med,s.and finely with the Lord and all of the other help i came out of it.it had started cause my kids would be leaving the nest soon and I didn,t know who I was anymore.you ladys who are alone and have kids know what I mean.well this is how I have to share with you how the Lord helps me.I told you I would tell you the truth and show how the Lord guides me .and so now you know what has been going on.some times we make mistakes that are so messed up we think they can never be worked out again.but if we trust the Lord he can give us a new start.and today I start the rest of my life .{trust in the Lord and leen not on your own understanding,in all your ways look to him and he will lead you.}thanks for listoning to me bare my soul and sorry I had to dump this to get my mind cleared.but its wise to hear your self see what you know in your heart.some times one needs to hear the truth to go on.I know now that the Lord let me see that this relationship would not work cause of the choices the hubby made.if you refuse the help God puts out there you can,t blame others if you make the wrong choices.God give us common since and He puts safe grauds to help us along the way.Doctors are part of that safey net.but if you don,t get the help and use it then you decieve your self.once I was better the Lord helped me see I no longer needed the med,s.but I knew inside it was time cause I was better.but going off your med,s when your still sick is just fool hearty.that is the diffrence.God bless you all.tomorow we have our thanksgiving and again with more family on sunday.Ill tell you all about it . Posted by Picasa

3 Comments:

Blogger cheated are the clouds said...

Leann I am so sorry to hear about this, tough love an protecting yourself is the proper thing to do and no one will fault you for this decision, 8 years ago my wife asked me to leave because she could not dal with my depression, and I refused to admit I had a problem, I moved out and soon hit rock bottom with nowhere to go, I sought out proffesional help and I am on meds for this, and my wife and I are very happy with the results, sometimes we need to leave the situation to get a clear understanding of how to deal with the pressures in our lives, I think you are doing the right thing by distancing yourself from his problems, He is the one who needs to except that there is help out there and he is the one who has to use that help, just because you are married does not give you a degree in selfishness and medical insight to control others around you, we are all resposible for ourselves and our behaviers, Hang n there Leann maybe with time he will realize all people in his life had left, and he will have no one to blame but himself, we have to want to get help for ourselves and if we do not want it then there is nothing anyone will do to change this, I am speaking from personal experience here, as I lost everyone in my life at one point until I learned that they are what I needed and took steps to get back to them, You did the right thing and never feel bad about your desion, cling to your family for support and the ones who love you the most, and God will see yo threw this situation,

7:31 AM  
Blogger Blondie said...

Sorry to hear about your hubby and I know that you are doing what you need to do and noone should judge you. There is only one who can judge and He is always there for us. GOD! Take care and try to relax and realize you are not alone! You are in my prayers everyday.

10:37 AM  
Blogger Anna said...

Mom, you did the right thing you did what you had to do. Now maybe he can get the help he needs. He has to take responsibilty for who and what he is. And God is trying to help him he just won't accept the help. There comes a time when you have to beleive and walk the right path or falter and I think he's at that spot and is torn on which way to go..We keep him in our prayers thing will work for him...And you will be okay we are all here for you don't give up on your dreams they will come true.. I beleive that.. Love you Anna

9:16 AM  

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