july 1 2006

today my daughter and my grandsonsand I went to see my mom in the hospital.she is doing alot better then a few months ago.but she still has a long way to go.wish I could just pick her up and take her home.back to her little apartment,where the deer come to her bird feeder.and the little field mouse sits on her patio table.but mom is on life support and not able to walk or or breath on her own.she is on what they call a full vent to be able to breath.she is on dialises.(not sure about the spelling) and as you read my blog you will see I do not know how to speel real good.but bare with me I have come along way.anyway mom was in good spirits and was glad to see her little family,well at lest part of them.the other ones were either at work or besy with their own lives.but we are always with her in our hearts.mom has a little cup they have to stick in her breathing tub so she can talk.the hardest thing for me was to not hear her voice for a while.they had to keep it out so she could breath better for a long time.it was always so good when they would put that little cup in and her voice would come out with a hello and I love you or how is so and so,or what is been going on.the hardest thing is to tell her things that arent good.you see she is upset but she keeps up a strong front and trys to give help and support to what ever is needed.but she would be mad if at some time we didnt let her in on the bad as well as the good.in this life mom has had alot of good and alot of heart ache to.and before she leaves this world and goes home to be with her savior Jesus.she will see more.life is never fair or easy.Jesus said it wouldnt be a bundle of fun.he said in this world we would have problems, trials,and things tht would test our faith and love for him.so we dont have a easy ride in life,we just have him to see us thought it all.he is faithful.when we lost my step father and moms great love it was the hardest thing we went thought.he was the sweetest man.he took on a ready made family like he had been a dad all along.he was a gentel man and kind.I remember the frist christmas he was with us.my mom was divorced from my real father for a long time and we lived on little.my step dad took me and my brother to k mart to pick out christmas decerations.he said now you tell me what you think is pretty.so I went down the line looking at things and pointing to the ones I thought were pretty thinking he would pick out one or two for the tree.to my horrer he had everything in the cart.I felt so bad cause I was afraid he thought I wanted it all.I said no I just thought you wanted a few idias.he smiled and said you think they are pretty dont you?my young broken heart knew we had someone who cared for us.he won my heart that day .he wanted to give us a nice chriatmas and to let us know we were part of his family.as I write this I can hardly see for the tears.I miss him so.he showed me there was a father out there who loved.he didnt ever say he loved me like his own.he just showed it .my life was filled with alot of mistakes and heart ache,and it came home to rost maytimes.but dad always stuck in there and athow he didnt always agree with me and some of the things I did he loved me anyway.I know I most likely broke his dear old heart many times.but he was always ther to lend a hand.he loved my kids like they were his own grandkids and spoled their sockes off.and he got in dutch for it to.my youngest had learned early that grandpa was not only a soft heart but one big push over.so I had to tell him and mom if they didnt make the two girls mind they could not have them stay anymore.so one day he came home from work tired and was sitting at the table when mom and the two girls rolled in from the store.now the little girl had been told she could not have what she wanted at the store.because I had told mom if she kept getting the kids every sweet they wanted their teeth would root out of their heads.so when the little one was having a hissy fit on the floor dad sat and took it for so long and he got up and picked her up and gave her a whack on the butt.now it was a love tap.cause dad was a softy.but after never getting a swat from dad before.she straitend up fast.and learned to respect her grandparents.they were good girls but they did come home easyer to handle after that.dad of corse told me later that he had to go in the bathroom cause the spanking hurt him more then her.but I guess that is the way it is with all mothers and fathers when their child does something wronge.you love them but you cant let them think they can get away with doing something wronge.if you do it will get them in trouble down the line.no one wants to disapline.its not fun to have do it but Jesus said if you dont disapline your kids you dont love them.God does that to those he loves.so they will see the error of their ways before its too late.many times I have felt his loving hand saying stop you are heading the wronge way.if I listoned I was saved alot of heart ache.if I didnt I suffered the pain of my own choices.and believe me its easyer to do it Gods way.my step dad is in heaven with Jesus.he left on a september day.and as we put his body in the ground a shower of lovely snow flakes fell softly on us as we left.he had said that it would snow that day and it did.it was as if he was saying I maybe out of site but Iam with you.I let him go then cause I no his body was just a shell, dad was in heaven with Jesus.and I would see him when I went home.he gave as his all while he was here.so death could not take him away because he was with us in our hearts.and no one can take him away.Iam getting older so I have more family up there then here.so one day its going to be a big family reuion when we all get home.I was glad that about three or four years before he went home.I had the chance to make sure he was ready to go.I wasnt very good at it cause I was only saved a few years myself.but with stumdling words and much thought I asked him .if he were to die if he was ready to meet his maker? he said oh yes I was saved as a young man.so I know he is safe with my best friend Jesus.but with the lose of a good man God always puts someone else to fill those shoes.see he rised up two grandsons in laws.they both have alot of dad in them in their loving ways.my heart would brake if I didnt have them as sons.mom and dad had a long good life together.its just sad he isnt here when she needs him the most.but I think she had a dream of dad when she was so sick.she said she saw him in the hall out side her room.I know our loved ones cant cross over like some of these wac jobs on Tv say.it says so in the bible.but I do believe Jesus gives us glimses in dreams and visions of the spirit in heaven.I seen a vision of my grandma and dad and my grandpa sitting on the porch of a big white farmhouse.it was only for a few seconds.but they were happy and healthy and all together.that vision has blessed me time and time again.the lord is so faithful to let us know our loved ones are safe.well its getting time to get out of here so God bless you.the lord comforts the broken hearted.and give the weak his strangth to carry on.mamaleann.