christmas with the family

a white christmas is maybe on the way.only hope it holds off till we get to where we are going.its been a busy week and Iam glad its coming to an end.I feel like Iam 80.Iwent out to find the gifts for the grandkids.and found I couldn,t get what I wanted cause it was out of stock.so they will get money.today I ventured out to get the ham and it was raining pitch forks and hammer handles.yes I was dumb just goes to show my Dad was right when he said I didn,t know enough to come in out of the rain.O well I didn,t have a choice cause tomorow we leave and I needed gas in the van and a ham.Iam all packed and ready to go.don,t feel much like christmas this year.mom will not be there and the other family is split.so it will not be the same.I am going for the kids and the grandkids.wish I could change things but what can I do.I just put it in the Lords hands.we will spend the night and day with kruze and the girls then go over and spend the day with lucy and the girls.then come home the next day or that evening.I called the hubby to thank him for the letter he sent me.it was nice of him to do it.but it doesn,t help me.I need someone I can count on,someone who will be there for me.but every time I look to him he would crumble.so I guess if I have to handle things alone then I may as well be alone.He feels there is still hope that some how God will work this out.well it would be nice if the good we did have would come back. but that is not going to happen.I just can,t pertend that what we had is still here when it isn,t.he broke his promise to me and I can,t trust him any more.and to be honest it scares me to even think about him coming back.I have heard and seen too much to believe it could be anything but what it was when he was here.just talking to him tells me he is still in need of alot of help.and if he gets off the pills it will be the same.he still says its the pills that are the problem.so I know I made the right choice when I asked him to leave.hope he finds his way and see,s that the pills are there to help stablize him.if not then I do not know what will happen to him.well its late and I need to get some sleep.have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.thanks for reading .