the ice is melting Im standing on thin ice.

I came home form a nice visit to Annas.only to find more bad news in my mail box.the SSI has cut my check in half.and with that I will most likely have to move.and it may mean I will have to get rid of the blog and not eat or much of anything.I will not have enough money to live on.and they did it cause I was married to the hubby.well he is gone and living some place else so how do I live now?the whole thing has sent me for a loop.and if I wasnt already depressed enough it just sent me into a down hill spine.I was doing pretty good but then this.I do not under stand what the heck is going on.if I were sinning up a storm or being a jurk to others I could see being hounded for it.but I dont know what the heck I did to deserive all this crap dumped on me.last year was hell year.but this year aint starting out much better.I was so down tonight I couldnt even get my head up above the water so to speak.I called my son in law kruze to tell him something .and had not intended to say anything and it just spilled out.well I wonder how people live on the pittley ass amount of money they give us.I have no way of suporting my self do to my condishion.so how do they figure people are supose to live.no wonder people end it all with the crap going on in this world.I wasnt going to tell this all here.but I said I wouldnt lie to you so here it is.I feel like my husband has been of no help to me at all.when I loved him and stuck by him for nearly two years and at risk of my own sanity.when I needed him he crumbled and left me to handle it alone.then when I gave him a second chance to come back and try again.and I tryed to help him but he only thought about him self again as always.he refused to take his pills so he was at lest some what stable.then he got wierd again when the meds stopped .and I had to ask him to leave cause I couldnt help him.and he had broke his promise to take the pills.I had to borrow money so he could get pills to go live with his mom that he didnt take eather.and then My mom passed away.and all the rest of this crap.and much more that I will not even go into now.how much is one person supose to take?????if I had a gun tonight I would have been at a place where it was not good.but I dont have one so dont worry.and i wont do nothing but vent here.I cant take any more.I did all I could do.I called for prayer.that was all I had strength to do.I wish the Lord would just let me come home to be with him.I dont have a man I can count on to stand with me.and Iam tired of being alone.but tooo dam scared to ever try life with another man again.I guess the Lord is telling me I aint good enough for any man.cause the ones who come only suck me dry and leave me to face the clean up alone.I know I know its my fault I marryed him knowing he had problems.but I honestly thought the Lord could heal him and we would have a life serving the Lord.but the truth is that his guy is a little kid and it will take him years to grow up if he ever does.and he is more into himself then any thing.I am sick of being a care taker for men who can berly take care of them selves then some one else.I have had to raise two girls alone cause the man who fathered them was too in to booz.and another one who was in love with some one else.and now the hubby pulled this.I think it will be best if I just stop writing this blog and just try to go on as best I can if I can after this check thing.why would any one want to liston to me tell how much the Lord helps me when every time I turn around I have problems.I dont want to be my self ,why would anyone be helped by my stinking life any way?Lord unless you do some thing to work this out for me I will not be able to do this blog any way.so if you dont work it out Ill know this blog wasnt realy your will for me any way.what do I have to say to people any way to help them?all they see is problems.raise up some one who can help them.they need to learn from some one whoes life is going good.Im tired Lord and you say that you wont give us more then we can stand.well I have stood all I can stand!!!Im done.I have come to the end of my rope where problems are conserned.I dont have the strength to fight any more I have stood as best I was able for the kids through this crapy year.now Im just tired.some times you get to a place where eather God carrys you or you dont make it.well I do not have the strength to go on in my own strength any more cause I dont have any.I pray and hope God will let me come home to be with him.life is a drag for me.the hope I had of having some one to spend my life with has been ripped away for good with this last dumb mistake I made.and I have no hope of any thing else to look forward to.cause I waited 18 years for the hubby and look what I got.so why ask for anything else, who knows what would come with it?I dont see any thing good coming.all I have seen the last few years is heart acke pain and sorrow.the bad has out weighed the good.the blessings seem to have gone away and the trash has been dumped in truck loads.I cant do any thing about it.I have lost hope.the only thing that keeps me going is my grandkids and the ones who have stuck by me this year.if not for that I would have just left.sorry to lay this on you but I said I wouldnt be fony and I will not!!!so if the Lord doesnt work this out I dont know how long Ill have the money to pay for the computer and the blog.so if you dont see any posts on here you will know what happened.so sorry I dumped this but dont have any other way to vent now.thanks for reading and pray for me I need all the prayers I can get.Lord this is my prayer.if you really do touch others through this blog then you work this check thing out cause other wise I will have to stop the internet payment.and unless you get my money back then I will have to move cause I cant pay the bills and eat. $467.77 isnt enough for any one to live on in this day in age.and with hubby gone why should I be punished for his mistakes?I want you to help him get the help he needs but am I supose to die to see him get help?where is my help?I want to be alone Lord!!!! men have ripped enough from me in my life.I have been stomped down enongh and used and abandened.I have learned my lesson Iam better off alone.you dont have to beat me over the head no more Lord I learned.from now on all I need is you Lord.I will know if I have to give up the blog that it wasnt your will any way.so if you want it go on ,you need to do something.if not then Ill know it wasnt your will.and if nothing is done to help with the check then Ill know that its time for me to go.and I will pray accordingly.this is now your problem Lord I cant change any of this so its in your hands.and if you want me to have food this month then you will have to pervide.cause the money I thought was there isnt so its now your problem.Im a tither and was faithful to tithe.but now I dont have the money to meet my needs.and aint sure the money will cover what I did get.well that is my post. I know its not filled with good and it doesnt have much interest for any one.but its my life and its my hurt and pain.and its the truth of what is going on in my life.well only a little of the crap going on.there is more but its just too hard to deal with this to night, with out dumping it all here.all I know is I need sleep and wish I could crawl in to a hole and pull the cover over my head and not come out.Im glad mom is with you Jesus she is out of this hell hole.sorry I tryed to hold her here as long as we did.she didnt have a very good life here eather.I dont want to stay much longer eather Lord.the truth is I would leave today if you would let me. but every time I ask you say no its not time.well what earthly good am I doing here? Iam lonely and sick of being by my self.I longed for someone who could be there to stand by my side .but there isnt any one but you.the Kids have their kids.Anna has her hubby and the boys. Lucy has her Girls and even Kruze even though she screwed him over he still cares for her. but I have only me to come home to.yes you are here Lord but some times one needs some one with skin on. take the desire to have some one of my own away.it hurts too bad to even feel the tiny little flicker way down deep in my heart.dose the flame completely. so I will not hurt any more. give me a new start and help me to have a reason to live again.or be kind and let me come home.have mercy on a old lady, who has seen too much of life here on earth and just wants to come home. rebuck the devil on my behalf cause Im in no codishion to do it my self Lord.