Hi everyone Im back with a smile on my face and a better out look then I have had for a few days.
the weekend started off good but then bad news.I was in no mood for more if you get my drift.I have had about all this old chic can stand.as you all know my mom passed away nov 22 ,and we are waiting for every thing to be worked out through the court.mom gave me her van.and so there is some junk going on with getting it signed over to me.well they were saying I couldnt drive it for this reason or that.considering I been driving it for months now.well I live alone.and have no one to drive me back and forth.my family lives in other towns.and they come this way very seldom.so needless to say this news messed up my mind let alone my emotions.how would I get any place.well I started to cry cause I just have had too much junk this last few months.

I had this feeling deep in side to just wait on the Lord.but I was thinking how do I get around.and if I cant at lest get out of the house what would I do?the few days before this I had been having problems finding reasons to be here on this earth any way.the winter, and being in had taken its toll.
I had been on others blogs and tired to help them through the cabin fever days of winter.and was doing well myself tell the bad news hit.well lets just say I was not in a real good place.my emotions took over and had it not been for the Lord.I may not have been back.

do you ever get to feeling like a scale?like someone keeps adding junk to one side and your already leening over the edge of a cliff and just one more pebble will through you over the edge.well that is how I felt.I cryed and turned to the Lord.could not take no more!!!I dragged my butt into the bedroom and got dressed.went down to the van and drove to the river,one of the parks I love.I sat over looking the river and just cryed.the Lord was there.and it was His love and comforting words that helped me. He promised me all would be ok.He said the Van was mine and He would work it out.I said Lord Ill be very honest with you.I dont really want to be here anymore.I dont have any reason to be.my marriage is over.Iam alone again,and dont have a real good reason for looking forward to the future.I would much rather be there with you.

I know Paul in the bible, went through this kind of thing and others who loved the Lord did to.the road gets long and dam hard some times.and you feel like what is the use?but the Lord said leave this in my hands and I will work it out.I sat there and though about all the mess of the last two years.I have lost so much and no one seems to understand just where Iam.they have their own lives and seem to think I can just carry this and always come up smiling.well its been dam hard!!!!!even with the Lords help its been a strugge to hang around.my one blogger friend was having the same problems.it scared me cause I know how easy it is to have feelings of ending it.its not that you want to die,its you want the problems to be gone.but emotions can get the best of you and make you think all kinds of junk.{I think of how hard it was on Anna Nicloe Smith.all she had been though.}

well I said on this blog I would be real and honest and share the truth with you.well I will not lie to you I thought about ending it.I have carryed too much and Iam tired.I love my family and I love the Lord.but some days or years have been more then I can take.when I had my kids to be there for there was no problem.I knew who I was and what I was here for.but now with the hubby gone and me wondering what the heck I am here for?it is hard to pick up and carry on.


I sat at the park and eat my lunch,as I waited on the Lord to help me.the river was breaking up and the ice was moving .two geeses flew over and landed in the open water just a few yards from me.the sound of them honking blessed me.the Lord knows I love geeses all most as much as the eagles.the air was mild so I left the window open.there were little birds singing.and the day was helping me have hope in good times to come with the Lord.

I watched people come to enjoy their break form work.a man and woman walked their dog.a van load of ladys came with their driver and walked and enjoyed the nice day.soon they all left and I was alone.I just wanted to feel happy for a change.its been years sence I have felt happy.I feel joy from the Lord at times. but I also have days that I wish I could crawl in a hole and pull the cover over my head and stay there.

little by little the feeling of sadness and fear left.and I could look at the beauty of the day and know that no matter how things looked now I would be able to go on.this was a day that God could work things out.even if it all looked other wise he was still in contral of my life.and He hadnt let me down yet so I knew he wouldnt now.

I have learned a few things in my walk with him.one big one is this.{when every thing looks hopeless,its a smoke screen the enemy throughs up to make you think that nothing will work out!!he does it cause he knows its going to work out but he wants to get you out of faith and douting.but the truth is {Good is just around the corner if you can just hang on.}

so this was a winter melt down for me.I said Id share the truth with you and I did.what is the moral of this story?
DONT WORRY ABOUT THINGS THAT HAVENT HAPPENED !!!!the Lawyar had said what would happen "if "the van got smashed up.Well that is a" what if!!!"its not a fact, its a question.a Idia that one has to put a "what if" in to the mix.{well Iam a believer in if it aint happened dont ask for it!!!!}cause if you spend your life worrying on "what if,s"!!!you will never enjoy life.people worry over things that never come to pass. and a" what if "lets the enemy cause you problems.

Jesus put it this way"dont take a thought "saying '.that means you may get dumb thoughts but why say them?
a thought could come in to your mind. {O what if I were to be responsible for some thing and someone else recked it?}well its a thought.and it hasnt happened,its only a thought.well you are worrying about some thing that hasnt even happened.life is full of what if,s.but you know they are just{ what if,s.}

Job said "the thing I greatly feared has come upon me."Job was a worry wort.and what he worryed about gave the enemy a open door to come in and mess him over.God restored to Job, all the enemy stole from him.but it wouldnt have happened in the first place if Job wouldnt have been worrying about "what if,s!! "

the Lord has gotten me this far.he pervides all my needs and pertects me.if the enemy trys to mess things up the Lord steps in.I get weak now and then.I get to feeling alone and lonely.and things wiegh heavy on me.but the truth is I have tryed to carry it instead of giving it to the Lord.well Lord this is yours.my mom would want me to have this van cause she loved me.we may not have always been close.but we still loved each other.and now she knows for sure that the things I did for her were out of love.how does she know?cause she is with Jesus and she knows all now.

so I aint going any place guys so dont freak!!!I just had a cabin fever melt down.brought on by "what if,s "and a big smoke screen.I will drive that van on my trip to where ever Jesus leads. and it will get me to where ever I need to go safely.I will have what my mom intended for me to have. her bills will all be payed and everone will recieve their share.God is in contral and its His job to handle some thing I cant.I will hang around for as long as he needs me here.and if its His will that I leave in the rapture or I go home some other way.one way or the other when its my time Jesus will come to get me.

all I can say is THINK SPRING!!!!cause I need to get out and enjoy the beauty Gods hands made.Have a blessed week.and thanks for reading.