the family tree.

• I was reading one of the blogs this morning.and it reminded me of a time in my life.I was a teen ager in high school.I had just moved to a new town cause my mom and Dad were divorced.I was in shock and just out of it.a small fish in a big pond.and I felt very alone.and there was no one to help.I had no friends cause it was a new town 20 miles away from the little country haven I grow up in.my dear beloved granny was back at my home on the farm.and I was all alone.yes I had my brother and mom.but he was too young and had his own problems and mom was never close to me.the only person I knew in this school was one on my moms friends daugher.her name was vic.now she was asked to be my friend and show me around.well I was the prise hog from the country and she was the gueen of the school.so she was not to happy about the job of helping this country bompkin get pushed in to the city life.she was nice in a cool big sister way.but I knew she hadnt wanted this job.for nearly a year I walked around in a daze.this school was soooo much bigger then my old school and the kids were just plain rude and down right mean.I became a nerd right off. cause my family ,if they did nothing else taught me to be polight.well I couldnt figure out what I had done to be treated like I was.so I just stayed out of every ones way for the time being.my grades went down and I didnt care what happened to me.cause I figured I must have done some thing real bad to have all this junk happen to me. and not having the Lord in my life. I did what I could to servive.I got tough real tough fast.the little mouse turned into a carzy lion.and one day it all came to a head.all the pushing and names and mean things stored away just pushed me over the edge.there had been this bully and her group that torrmented me and a friend for over a year.they woulld call us names and hound us day in and out.I was able to just pay no attation to them cause I knew why bullys are bullys.they are afaird of you.and they do what they can to keep you down.well she and her group cornered us in the jim locker room.and she was doing her little song and dance by cuting on us.it didnt bother me cause I didnt liston to her.but I looked over and seen my friend in fear and crying.and that did it.I looked throught the mirror at the bully and told her she better leave now.she just laughted.I said it one more time giving her time to save her self.but she just kept on.and I said it one last time."you better get out of here!!!but she didnt believe I would do anything cause I hadnt done anything so far.well she didnt see what was coming and when I turned and hit her she went to the flool and slide.and the other 15 or 20 girls cleared that room like water down a slide.the teacher came in to see what was going on.and the friends of the bully said it was her fault pointing at the head of their little click.now over night I was no longer a country bompkin who everyone could push around.every one said hi the next morning and acted like my friend.boys who didnt even look my way the day before now wanted to carry my books.but I wasnt inperessed.I knew what had gone on the whole year and they made me sick.so I went from a nerd to a bad girl over night.and even thow I wasnt one it helped me keep the creeps off my back.I didnt feel any different or act any different then the day before.but they treated me with respect.see they didnt know for sure if I would turn on them.so they did what all smart people do.they learned what they needed to know about me.If you push her too far she will fight back.well I said all that to say this.life is never easy.and getting into new places and around new people is hard.they are weird when young and not much different when older just alittle wiser.and if they think they can get away with things they will.unless they learned early you dont get away with anything for long.well in this time of my life I learned alot from a dean of girls.she called me into her office and questioned me tell she got the truth about my family.and the hard girl crumbled like a house of cards in her office.she called my parents and told them their kids werent handling this divorce well at all.and she also got after my mom and said if she ever hit me or my brother again she would call the police on her.and that helped me alot.see the lady had seen my shiner my mom put there when she seen me smoking.yes she needed to get after me.but a "you better stop smoking now" would have done alot better.well I became good at telling others I had a wonderful family.and I almost believed it my self for a long time.way tell I ended up years later going in to talk to a counceler.and I told her the just of my life.she said girl"Your only as sick as your secrets!!"I said what do you mean?she said you need to stop hiding behind this picture of the family you want and deal with the one you have!!!!!your mom is abusive to you and your Dad cares little if anythig for you.and he is a lier and a child moulser and a cheat!!!!you need to wake up and know that you have worth.your parents arent grown up and they have problems.and you dont have to pertect them at your expence.you have to do the best you can for your kids and try not to make the mistakes your parents made.all you have to know is you parents loved you as best they could. did the best they knew how with what the had.and love them and understand where they are coming from. and it felt like a ten ton weight was lifted off of me. once I learned I didnt have to pertend any more I was free.I didnt have to hate my perants any more or change them.all I needed to do was understand where they were coming from.they loved me the only way they knew how.and they were human and as I knew all too well none of us are perfect.and all I had to do was try to do better then they did.and that ment being honest.and that is why I get in trouble.I say the truth and yes I make mistakes.I tryed my best to be a better mom then mine.and you know what I still made mistakes.I ended up picking a loser just like my mom did.and my kids suffered.and I tryed again and picked the wrong one again.but i knew by then I couldnt be a good mom and a wife at the same time. so I went cold turkey for 18 years before I tryed one more time to find some one to love. and it showed me there just isnt one out there for me. Lloyed from "cheated are the clouds". was the one who helped me know what to write today.check out his blog.he is a smarter man then he thinks.and has a handle on life alot more then he gives himself cerdit for.and I need to say this to those who been ready my blog.Iam sorry for venting the last week or so.I have let the load of life and the problems get the best of me.and I had nothing left to fight with but my old nature.and so I did what I did years ago I hit the bully and did it by venting here. but I m human and I handle things like humans do if they are down.guess what I mean to say is ."if your a nut you dont fall too far from your family tree." thank you for reading.and thanks for being there for me when my world fell apart you know who you are.Im doing better and things are looking better.I did learn some thing else from this.I dont have to fix every thing all the time.all I have to do is live my life.if things arent going well for the people I know and love its not my problem.I can pray and love them from afar. but I dont have to be dragged down with them.I also learned you can only do so much for people and the rest they need to do for them selves.and I only have to change my self.what happens to the rest of the family now that they are grown is their problem.Im not a friend or a pal or able to fix things like a mom any more.Im a parent with grown children who have to find out the meaning of life now them selves.and have to do what I had to do. " try to do better then their parents ." isnt life funny?isnt it only a big circal?and isnt it soo short from the cradle to the grave? I know Im no great mind or writer.but hope that some how my problems and how the Lord helps me through them helps you.I know some of the people who write have helped me when I read their blogs.to those thank you God sent you into my life when I needed a friend most. vented out leanne.