View From the Eagles Nest

Matthew 23;24....Luke 13;34.... The joys and blessings of a fat chick in a skinny world. Faith for the journey, hope for the future, the beauty of nature, wilderness roads, life in general, family, the past and present, from the memory of a country girl stuck in the big city...SEX...now that I have your attention visit my blog...

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Location: midwest, United States

I'm a follower of Jesus...I Love the Lord!Iam a artist,love to write,I have two grown daughters,4 grand childern.I enjoy traveling.this is my blog and I say what I think.if you dont agree thats fine.you dont have to read it.sometimes I deal with so much crap,I feel like a farmer.check out my new blog "willow in the mist."

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

the snow is falling out my window.


the little woodlen fokes will be running for cover tonight.
I love so much to see them in the wild.they bless me so.
thank God for the things he made to bless us.for the snow and the season to be thankful,and for the gift he sent this season.JESUS....









this part of the post is for all my little grandkids and grandkittys for the love they have given me.and how they bless me when I visit them at their homes.
and today looks just like it does through that window.its snowing,the big fluffy snow flakes are flooting softly down.I can hardly see the park across the road let alone the hills to the west.its so pretty Id like to be out in it taking pictures,but know its best to just enjoy it from afar.
I had intended to go and visit Anna just to get out for the day.but when I checked the weather channel I desided another day would do.we may get another 1 to 5 inches.
so its best to stay in and keep warm.its cold today to.
I took some pictures of it out my window,but will wait till I get more before I post them.
these little pictures are on a free blog for christmas pictures.I will share them now and then with you.all I did was go in sreach and type in free christmas pictures and found many of them.then put them on my favorites and into my picture holder.works good.now if I could figure out the rest of this computer Id be doing good.
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from here on I was getting out the last of the past and putting to rest the things needed to be..
last night I was up till nearly 3;00am.I was thinking about the relationship with hubby when it was still good and we still had a closeness,before he flipped out.I was able to look back and not feel a deep pain in my heart.I am healing.thank you Lord...
we could talk and share and be close to each other.we would go for rides out in the country and look for the blessings the Lord would send our way.I miss those times.I loved him with all my heart and felt blessed to have someone.
I valued him and treated him with respect.I knew he had done some wierd things when he was younger and before we got together, as man and wife.and I had forgiven him,cause I knew God did.things were good for that time.
we traveled alot and saw alot of this country together.and it was nice to be driving with someone you could say honey look at that .and we would share the joy of it together.we would stop along the way and Id let him go check out the places I couldnt walk to.and if they were not too far Id go to.
we would go and visit his family 3 hours from where we lived.and it was always so nice to see his Mom and Dad.she always made us feel like she was so glad we were there.there was a peace and comfort we all felt,like God was blessing us and giving us time with him.
I remember the walks we took with mom in her lovely garden.the birds singing and making nests here and there in the spring.the flowers so beautiful and the smells so heavenly.
the mist on a early morning walk, hovered so lovely over the garden and the sun kissed it so softly and made it even more pretty.
I remember the time we took her picture sitting on a planter.it was so pretty she made prints of it.hubby took the picture,.he did a good job.
the other kids would come and visit and Id get to see the little ones and hold the baby,s.it was a blessing.we would visit with the grandma,s and go to their homes.we would go places with mom and she took us out to eat once or so.it was fun.
we would go to the lake near his home where his mom and Dad would sit when they were courting.and where Dad asked her to marry him.it was a lovely place.we would sit on the bench and look out over the water and see the blue herrons fly over,and the gulls.we would watch the fish jump off shore.the breeze was always cool there.
but like all good things some thing went wrong,very wrong.and if I were able to put a finger on it I dont think I am able.cause to be honest I dont know what caused it all to be ripped out of our hands.
I know some of it was hubby resented my closeness with the Lord.at frist he enveyed it.but then he acted as if unless he could be top dog and the one with all the attention it was not to his liking.
he became wierd and did odd things I didnt understand.he would be so high I would get scared.and he wasnt on any thing.
and his mouth would run like a whipperwills butt in a wind storm.you could not shut him up.he tired me out with his constent chatter.
even when I asked him to be still for a while he would get in my face and say why wont you talk to me.
Id say I need some quiet time please.its bad when you cant even get a minutes peace.
it was so bad one day at the store people were looking at him.
I had to say I need to think what we need, can we pleace talk about this out side!!!but he wouldnt stop.
I finely had to say if you cant be still Ill have to go out side cause I cant shop like this.but he still kept up till I made believe I was leaving and he finely shut up and said he was sorry.I was so run down from it I could barely think let alone do what I had to.
and when we got done and were in the car he started right back up.I said please I need quiet please!!!!he yelled at me and almost run into the curb cause he was in my face yelling why will you not talk to me.
I wanted to say you talk enough for us and three others.but I didnt want to hurt him cause I loved him and didnt know what the heck was going on.
I was scared so scared I was afraid to think of when we got home and what he would do.he was not only acting hiper but odd.he didnt even look like the same person.it was scarey.
I didnt feel safe with him driving so I said I need to stop here.he pulled over and I said I want to drive.he wasnt going to let me at first. so I said if I cant drive I will call some one to come get me.
he let me drive,and I said do not ever yell at me like that again and get in my face. I will not take that from anyone.
I try to keep stress out of my life,cause stress is a killer.so I wasnt going to put up with this ,but didnt know what to do.when we got home he left the car to go mail a letter inside.I said I needed to sit there a minute.
when he left I called Anna and told her what was going on and I was scared.she told me to be carefull.I said I think I need to take him to the hospital,dont know what else to do.it was so hard cause how do you take the one you love to the wak ward.
but there was no way out.this was above anything I knew of.and I needed some help with him.
my heart was breaking cause this person I loved was so strange I didnt even know him anymore.my insideds were in knots and I could have crawled into a hole and hid.but there was nothing else I could do.I told him there was some thing very wrong and we needed to go to the hospital for help.he didnt want to get in the car again,but I said a prayer for Gods help and as soon as I did he got into the car.
I cryed when we waited in the hospital.it was so hard.when we finely got to go up to speak with the lady I cryed and spilled all the mess from the last few weeks.I told her every thing.when she talked to him he said I brought him there cause he was happy!!!
the lady looked at him as if he was from mars.and said mr hubby your wife is scared out of her mind .I do not think she brought here cause your happy!!!!
there is a big problem here and we are going to find out what it is.and she pushed the point.he finely agreed there was some thing wrong and signed himself in.
I stayed with him tell they came to get him.he was not too pleased with me.but I said hubby there is some thing the matter and they will help you.
when I left they gave him some pills to calm him down and he went down the hall and danced and twirrled for about three hours the nurse said.she said he was going to prove to them he could not be affected by the pills cause he was a christian.
finely he calmed down and went in his room and took a nape.but the next day he did the same thing when I called the nurse said he was in the hall dancing and spining.
it was very scarey.
thinking back now I dont know how I made it through.only by the grace of God.I cryed and cryed as I lay in bed at night.I knew deep in my heart I was losing my hubby.and there wasnt a thing I could do but trust God.it was as if the dream Id prayed for and trusted God for ,for 18 years was being ripped from me.
I knew the Lord had promised me someone to love and who would love me.and I had waited faithfully.I didnt know who the person was or even when he would come along.
and when some of the signs pointed to hubby and I.and then we fell in love.I thought I had finely found him.and then this..it was so scarey I didnt understand.I had to put it in the Lords hands.I remember saying Lord why would you put us together if it wouldnt work.you know I been hurt so much before!!!why would you do this???
but every day the thing would get worse and I could feel the one I loved slip more and more into the darkness.one night I went to visit him and he wouldnt even look at me he sat next to me with his back to me.I held him and told him how much I loved him.and he turned even his head away.
he went to his room and as he did I looked at his bible and inside on a paper he had written me a note.
it said he was going to tell me he didnt love me and never did.it broke my heart.I closed the bible and sat there.he came back and we talked but it was as if I was with some little boy and I didnt know him very well.he didnt act like my hubby he acted like some stranger.
I remember walking out of the hospital and the tears fell unchecked down my face.the night was pretty but it had no effect on me.I drove home and sat in my chair and cryed.my heart was in pieces.all I could remember was seeing those words.
"Iam going to tell you I never loved you. "
I went to the Lord and cryed..I called hubby a while later but he was down in the family room with some other people.he was talking with some younger girl, her him and some others would get together and talk sing and dance.
when i came one time he had been sitting with her and he got up fast when he heard I was there.
I had already seen them.he said there was nothing going on.but every time I called he was with her and the others.it doesnt matter cause the end was coming any way.but I do know this if I had been in his shoes Id never have talked to other men with him coming to see me.Id have felt like I was betraying him.but he never cared what I thought or how it would affect me.
I could see it in the girls eyes she was up to no good,but like most men he didnt even see.I talked to her and gave her a bible of her own.and she was shocked cause we both knew what she was up to.she was let out the next day.she said to him your wife is nice why did she give me a bible?(do good for evil).
well as I look back its easy to see what caused this mess.but its not easy knowing why.when he got out I was so afraid.they had told me I had at lest a week or so before he came home.but when I went to a conforance the doctor said he could come home.
I said he is still having problems and I dont know how to treat him to help him.the doctor looked at me as if I was the one who had flipped out.
and come to find out hubby had told him it was all my fault.the doc asked me to tell how I felt and I told him, I was scared and he just brushed my fears away as if they were nothing.like I was making a mountain out of a moll hill.
well I been through alot in my life and it took a whole lot to get me scared.well this was way beyound my knowing what to do.
they let him out and as i walked to the car with him I was scared.I prayed like I had never prayed before.and I could sence the hubby blamed me for his stay in the hospital.he acted as if he were angery.and I didnt know how to act cause I had never seen him huffy.
we got home by me driving.he was on pills he could not drive .
and the nightmare of living with a person you didnt know began.it was the hardest time of my life to date.he was not the man I had marryed.Lord knows he wasnt even the friend I had known.
we lived in a daze and walked though the darkness of being two people who had had some thing good but lost it.
I showed him the papers he had writen on in the hospital.the ones that said he had never loved me.it said also he had been going to tell me that night but couldnt cause he seen I only ment good for him and how much I loved him so he couldnt say it.
it didnt make any diffrence cause I already knew what he said.and he didnt say he loved me.
I still loved him then.and still held out hope we would be able to make it.but it was not ment to be.
another year dragged on and the heaveyness of being with someone who couldnt make up their mind if they loved you or not or if they were going to stay.was crushing.
I couldnt even let the kids be around us too much cause never knew what he would say.it was so hard.
then the day came when I could take no more.and the Lord was my only help to know what to do.I went in the bedroom and lay down and cryed as quietly as I could so he didnt hear me.
I said Lord my heart is broken and you need to do some thing cause I am not going to make it if you dont.I dont even care if I live or die any more.I am no good for me or the kids and I cant help hubby.you need to do some thing.
and I lay and was quiet.and in the stillness his voice said "ask him if he wants to stay or leave.,give him till saturday".
that was 5 days away.my heart smashed on the floor ,the last bit that was able to smash.
I said Lord you need to hold my heart cause I cant hurt like this any more.
and peace came for the frist time in over a year.and I lay there feeling it wash over me as if it were a gental stream on a warm day.it comforted me and gave me the hope that no matter what I still had the Lord.no matter what hubby desided I would be ok...
it took less then 5 days for him to run.he had been given his way out and he choose to give up what he had,my love and the 8 months of wonder we spent in the good time together.
he said he was leaving and he did after he packed all his stuff.I told him he would need to get the things done that needed to be done.he was not going to leave me with the mess.so he worked on doing it before he left calling the bank,and the paper work.
I told the kids he was leaving and everyone felt bad.Anna cryed and said mom I am so sorry,you deserve better then this.wish I could do some thing to help and make it better.
Lucy was lived she wanted to smash him.and she was really tee,d.the grandkids were so upset.
the littlest girl sar bear said mom get on the phone and tell NaNa to come stay with us the people who love her...and I did go down and stay with them for a while.
but the day came when he was ready to go.he stood behind me and stared out the window.and said nothing.it was good cause the tears ran down my face,glad he didnt see.
he said almost to himself.
I will miss the town and the lovely places around here.maybe I should go say goodby to them before I go.
I sat quiet,thinking its just like you.to think of stuff that cant be hurt and you will miss that but like you once said."I dont miss people".
I could not believe him just standing there and looking out the window.he would miss the view and the parks and the places,but as for me he would care less.
and he didnt miss me.he walked out the with barely a goodby and for 6 months I didnt hear a peep out of him.no check to see if I was ok or any thing.
his sister checked on me.his mom would talk when she could when he wasnt there.but him he went about his life as if we had never been.
then 6 months later after I had gotten on my feet and was doing better.he calls to say "are you ok? I have been hearing voices saying your real bad off."
I said no Iam doing fine,it took me a while but with the Lords help Iam fine.
he sounded as if he was upset I hadnt crawed into a hole and died because he wasnt here.I said arent you happy Iam doing good?he didnt know how to answer ,other then getting mad he had heard wrong again....
I talked to him off and on and prayed he would get better.and for a while it looked as if things were getting better.then one day he called and said I love you and want to come home.
I said well lets just see how things go for the weekend.you can come and stay for the weekend.but I will not have sex with you nore will I let you come if you dont take your pill,s.he promised to take his pills and he would only stay the weekend.
I thought maybe things had changed and it would be ok.but when he got here I could see it was not ok.he didnt have his pills and he was like a caged animal.I knew it was not good.we went down to get his pills to be fair and he came back.and stayed.he wouldnt take his pills.so I said if you dont, you have to go.
he took them but it didnt do much but make him more stable.
I took him to a deliverance ministry I knew and we went to church there.but when they prayed he was upset cause they prayed more with me then him.so he got huffy and went to the bathroom,he said what ever it was he had was back and he wanted the paster to pray for him.
the paster did it to make him happy,but he said the prayer warrours already prayed for you.why do you have to have me.
hubby said he had problems with women.well soon we were on our way home and I felt like a heavy burrden was lifted off me when they prayed for me.the fear I had felt for months was gone and I felt like finely I was heading the right way again.a peace I cant explain moved in and took over.
but the hubby was still messed up.he was wecloming the problem back in.he would not believe the prayer had helped.he just refused to have the faith to believe he was healed.
and it was only a short time before he went off his pills with out telling me.and with in only about 4 days he was back into the weirdness again.he said God told him not to take the pill,s.
I said well when I prayed about letting you come home the Lord told me to make you promise to take them or you could not come.and he hasnt told me other wise.so if he said it then you should be better in a few days instead of worse.so Ill see.well with in 3 days he was already showing the effects.and the 4th I said thats it I will not take no more.you made me a promise and you broke it.you need to leave.
he said he was out of his pills.and did some side stepping.but I said Ill use the last money I have and get your pills.but you need to leave.so he packed his stuff and I walked him down ,and took the key for the apartment.as I sat and watched him drive off, cause I had left minutes before and parked to be sure he left.
I drove out to Anna,s,as I did I knew why he had come back.it wasnt to be with me.it was cause the Lord let me know I was better off alone.
if he hadnt come back Id have always wondered if leaving was what was suppose to be.now I knew it was a blessing in discize.I was free.
yes I still cared about him and in a way still loved the man who was with me in the 8 months of good.but he was gone and he wasnt coming back.and the stranger who had come in his place no longer believed as I did.
he ended up in the wako ward only a few days later.and was there for a long time.he contacted me when he got out again and said he was doing better.but it was the same.he wasnt the guy who I knew.
5 times in the hospital in 5 years.he says there is nothing wrong with him.that he doesnt need the pills.he blames me.but I said "with all dew respect,I am not the one who has been in the hospital 5 times".and let it go at that.
so when the last letter came to inform me my mom didnt go to heaven but some other plant.I had enough.the papers will be signed and all will be handled as soon as I get the money.
do I still care about him?yes I always will ,he was my friend for 29 years.and I still have love for him deep in my heart.but its for the bright eyed young man who loved me for a while and made me feel like I could have my dream after all.but he is gone and he is not coming back.and the girl I was then is gone as well.she died the day he walked out the door.
a new life is on the harizon for me.and I look with hope to finding what the Lord has for me.he is the one I can trust, and he alone loves me as Iam,but loves me too much to leave me that way.
I will be ok,it may take a while for all to heal.but it will.
thank you for reading if you did.and thanks for understanding this is how I get things off my chest.God bless you and have a great week.

4 Comments:

Blogger Kathy Finfrock said...

hugs

5:07 PM  
Blogger Blondie said...

Sorry about all the sadness, Hope you are doing ok and feel better after the post! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

12:19 AM  
Blogger Leann said...

thanks girls for stopping.nice to see you kathy hope all is going good for you.merry christmas to you and yours.

Blondie.yes i was not sad when I wrote this down.it was simply to let me know that I had made it with the Lords help.
it was very hard but I learned a big leason.I am better by far alone.I have the Lord and He is the best company one could ever have.merry christmas to you and yours to.hugs.

10:57 AM  
Blogger audrey` said...

Please take very good care of yourself, Leann.

(((HUGS)))

4:19 PM  

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