1931 _ 2006 Nov 25th.today we say fairwell to my sweet mom.in the early dawn on Nov 25th she left this earth and on angel wings went to be with the Lord and Dad.she has lived a long good life.she touched many lives with her love and kindness.we will miss her very much.keep us in your prayers to day please.sorry I haven,t been on here lately but I been with Anna and the family.don,t know what I would do without Anna and Eric,TJ Jake Kruze Em and Sarah,Lori.this has been a hard time for us all.I will fill in the rest later its too soon now.thank you for your prayrs and for reading. 

some times two heads are better then one.

this is my thought for the day. 

sorry to see fall go this year.the beauty of fall always blesses me so.the canadian geese that fly over and hearing them late at night as they head on their long jouney.the smell of the leaves as you walk on them.the colors that seem to just get prettyer every year.this year I wished they would have all stayed.this has been a year I would rather have just skipped altogether.but fall I would have liked to have last for just alittle while longer.we still have warm weather and I love it but wish the colors would have stayed longer.it seems so long to the time it comes again.I just am not looking forward to the winter this year.I had a chance to talk with my mother in law,and she said that the hubby will be in the hospital for 4 months do to his problem of not taking the pills,this will be the 4th time in 3 years he ended in the hospital do to his mental condishon.and for stopping the pills.and he refused to sign the SSI papers so he will not be able to get help eather.its sad when people refuse help that was given.its hard to deal with people like that.now he has no one to pay the bill and his folks don,t know what to do.its sad to cause because of his stubburness and the way things turned out the rest of the family has been turned off because of this.they seen us as christains and we testifided how the Lord was helping us and then this all happened.so now they don,t understand.and its because of the way the hubby is handling this.no one in their right mind refuses help.and the Lord doen,t tell you that you should stop takeing your med,s unless you are ready.and its plain he is not ready.God doesn,t black mail you.He doesn,t say "well now you have to stop taken your pills or you don,t have faith!"He says "I will work with you tell you are stronger and then we will do as the doc says and let him tell you your able to move off them."but hubby didn,t listen to anyone.the paster the pasters wife the lady that prayed with us,me or any of the others who told him.his mom and Dad both told him to stay on the pills.the sad thing is I don,t know the real man at all.in three years of being together,I still don,t know who I married.and it is scary to say the lest.all I know is I realize now its not going to work.and Iam thankful I gave him the chance to come back and try it once more cause it showed me I couldn,t be with him like this.I would never have known and always wondered if we belonged together.but I seen its not going to work.so after praying about it I feel for my own self to servive I have to go it alone.the lady at my apartment helped me alot.she said "you need your needs met too!!!'you can,t always be the one who gets left out where your needs are consurned.yes its true I was in need of some care to.someone to leen on when all the junk with the family was going though.someone to step up and say Iam here for you!!!.but no he was too busy with himself.when I needed to go to the hospital I needed to call my daughter cause he wouldn,t take me cause he said he would pray and I didn,t need to go.that was 2years ago.the last time I had to go was last winter.and he acted like a family friend instead of a husband.he was distant and acted like he would rather be anywhere but there.I felt more alone then if I were alone.I waited 18 years to find someone that I could spend my life with only to find that he was so into himself that there isn,t room for anyone else.he needs sooo much attention that it sucks me dry and leaves me dry and with nothing left for myself to give.I have a family and they still need me to.and I wasn,t able to even spend the time with my grandkids or family cause I didn,t know what he would do.I feel bad about this but have no other way to handle it.when you are with someone they should keep their promises and be there for you two.I stuck by him through this tell I seen that he wasn,t able to do the same.I don,t need to be his caretaker.I needed a husband not a little boy with a mind problem.he left me at a time I needed him the most,my mom was on we thought her death bed and my family had been ripped apart and I was told I needed a operation.I was left to deal with all that plus the fact he left.6 months I heard nothing from him.and he was into the wreidest junk a person could be into.finely when I got myself with the Lords help back on my feet .and desided to go on alone.he calls out of the blue.he said he finely desided he loved me.I had forgiven him and just talked to him and was his friend.then one day he called and said he was ready to come home cause he loved me and wanted to come home.well I thought that the Lord had done a big work and I against better judgement let him come home for a weekend.but things got crossed and he moved in.it was barely a few days when i could see it was not the right thing to do.the pills he promised me he would take he stopped. and he acted as if it was his job to change me.now I have let the Lord do the changing in my life.and that is how its done.and if anyone comes to you and tells you other wise tell them to buzz off.God changes us not people.the person who came home was someone else I didn,t know and didn,t like very well.he would push me to walk when i was having problems with my leg,s and get all huffy when I said I just wanted to set and he could go if he wanted I would just spend time with the Lord.but he would pout and not go.so then when i said its ok just go cause I know you enjoy long walks.he would finely go.I am a big girl and its hard for me to walk long distances.I can do good on flat surfaces and do go for walkes.but he wanted me to go down a 200 foot cliff and then claim back up again when my hip was acting up and even getting out of the car was hard.it was as if he was punishing me cause I wasn,t the person he thought i should be.I said you need someone who is more your age and ablity.he would get mad and say you are the one!! but then push me to do things I wasn,t able to do.he is younger then me and I have lived a long hard life.and its now I want to enjoy my life and take it alittle slower.I still do well for a older girl but he never was awhere of how well I was doing.I had been using a cain and had gotten rid of it had been through cancer and almost died. and it took almost two years to get all my strength back.but he thought I should be doing more.he felt some how I would be young again.yes the Lord does renew our strength,but not so a old lady goes back to being a 40 year old.he would sit from dusk to dawn reading his bible. there isn,t anything wrong with reading your bible but there is other things to do as well.and i still had to go on as nothing had changed.he said he helped with stuff but it would take him 1 hour to do what took me mayby 20 minutes.and he would stand and talk to himself or the voices he would hear or stand with the frig open for long 10 minutes and it would freak me out.then he would say the Lord told him this or that every few minutes or so.but it wouldn,t line up.I could go on and put it all down but its just too wierd for me and anyone else.finely when the so called voices started talking to me out his mouth that was too much for me.so I asked him to leave and go home to his Dads.I borrowed money to get his pills he was out of and gave him the last 30 dollors I had .and when he was in his car and leaving I went to my daughters to get back on my feet.on the way I felt like a big failor again.but as I prayed this came to my mind."you arent, responciable for the pain of those who will not take your addvice."and this peace came over me and I knew I had made the right choice.I felt like I had been given the chance to finely know that this wasn,t what God had planned for me.He wants his kids happy and he doesn,t want them to be stressed so much they feel like closing down.I felt like I had hope again.the month with hubby had been soooo stressful I had felt like just diving my self off a cliff.but the Lord had been with me and got me safely through it.as I drove to Anna,s i could feel the Lord healing my nerves and helping me look forward to my future again even if I was alone,he would be with me.I know the Lord is trying to help hubby to but hubby isn,t listening to the Lord.he thinks he is but its not.the Lord works with you where you are and if you refuse his help then you go through the mess.I prayed about this all and did the best I was able for my hubby but he has to help himself now.and if he will not get the help he needs. then I am not to blame for his stubburn additude.but I will not go back to that life.I have to think about me now and my family and the ones who do need me and want my help.I will always care for hubby and pray for him to get on his feet.but I am not able to be with him.I will not put myself in a place where I may end up hurt or worse.now if some of you don,t like what I said about this I can,t help that!I have to do what I have to do.and I feel this is the best for both hubby and I and the family.there comes a time when you have to step away while you are still friends and care.rather then waiting and ending up hating.so I will leave this in the Lords hands cause I can,t do anything else for hubby.and I can,t be what he needs and he isn,t able to be what I need.and so "you" know I know what hubby is going through!! when my kids were in their teens I had a nervous break down.and was in the hospital for almost 2weeks.I had what they call clinical depression.it was the pit,s.I had tryed to kill myself but the Lord stopped me.by saying "if you do this your girls will come home from school and find you.I stopped by thowing the pills in the toilit.but hubbys problems are alittle more complix.he hears voices and he does things to himself that normal people don,t do.and he has diffrent personalitys.so its out of my ball park.so he needs help from people who know how to deal with this cause I do not!!when I was sick it took over a year to get back on my feet again.and it was done with conceling and med,s.and finely with the Lord and all of the other help i came out of it.it had started cause my kids would be leaving the nest soon and I didn,t know who I was anymore.you ladys who are alone and have kids know what I mean.well this is how I have to share with you how the Lord helps me.I told you I would tell you the truth and show how the Lord guides me .and so now you know what has been going on.some times we make mistakes that are so messed up we think they can never be worked out again.but if we trust the Lord he can give us a new start.and today I start the rest of my life .{trust in the Lord and leen not on your own understanding,in all your ways look to him and he will lead you.}thanks for listoning to me bare my soul and sorry I had to dump this to get my mind cleared.but its wise to hear your self see what you know in your heart.some times one needs to hear the truth to go on.I know now that the Lord let me see that this relationship would not work cause of the choices the hubby made.if you refuse the help God puts out there you can,t blame others if you make the wrong choices.God give us common since and He puts safe grauds to help us along the way.Doctors are part of that safey net.but if you don,t get the help and use it then you decieve your self.once I was better the Lord helped me see I no longer needed the med,s.but I knew inside it was time cause I was better.but going off your med,s when your still sick is just fool hearty.that is the diffrence.God bless you all.tomorow we have our thanksgiving and again with more family on sunday.Ill tell you all about it . 

there is a old mill by the place we have family reuions.its a lovely place and looks much like this pic.there is a camp ground there and alot of people go there to camp.wild turkeys run by there all the time.I have stopped there many times to take pic,s and just to hear the water go over the water wheel.its a lovely place.  

happy thanksgiving to all.didn,t get to put it on the day it was but better late then never. 

the evening sky.

TJ and I stopped by the river to take this pic.it was so peaceful and the sky so pretty.TJ if you read this remember that I love you alot.and that it was the best ride cause it made me feel like my influence in your live was for the most part a good one.Love you NaNa.lets go on addventures again. 

TJ my grandson took me for a ride by the river road.his Mom and Dad had to go get Jake.so off Teg and I went for our ride.now this eemed funny cause now instead of TJ in the car seat saying NaNa where we going it was me saying it!and I was the rider.TJ said NaNa do you haveany guestions?now I really felt old cause it was uselly me saying that.life for me had come full circal! it was cool cause the young man knew just the roads to take cause he knows I love the river.and we followed the river all the way.he is a very good driverand he goes slow so we can enjoy the senery.we stopped for photo ops.this is one of them.my grandson is a good young man.he just has one problem he is a teen and he can,t figure how to not be a kid anymore and become a man.but he has the heart of a good man its just he is in that hard place where you don,t fit being a man and you don,t fit being a kid anymore.but praise God he will with the Lords help find his place in this world.I love all my grandkids the same.but TJ was the frist and I love him for that.I was blessed to see him born.his little face came out and it was painted on my mind forever.the frist born always belongs to the Lord.so in the hospital we lifted him up to the Lord and gave him to Him.did that with all the Kids one by one.our evening ride was a blessing.I will remember it for a long time.this pic will remind me of the night the rules changed.I became the rider and TJ became the driver. 

Anna invited me to stay the weekend.and we went to see mom and visit her for the day.the boys went along to.we had a great visit with her.she was glad to see us.poor lady lost her glasses so we need to find her some reading glasses.they will not give her new ones unless she can go to a place to get her eyes checked.well she has trouble sitting up so how is she to do that?well anyway on the way home I was looking out the riders side window and there as big as life was a young bear running along in the field.Anna was so happy cause she had prayed to see a bear in the wild.and here was her blessing coming true.and the boys and I got to be in on it.there were hunters on the other road but they thank God didn,t see the poor little guy.her ran unharm all the way to the other road.Anna said wonder if we will see him again.I said yes he will come and scare the crap out of your hubby one night when he goes to feed the cats!!!we laughed.it was soooo cool to see the bear.and only a little way from where Anna lives.. 

hillside find 

bittersweet 

remember when?

does anyone else out there remember out houses?the cold wooden seat the sears and robuck tolit paper?people coming to help you get your harvest in and feeding them ?partys at the church down the road for kids at haloween so we didn,t have to give the devil any of our time?walking in the meadows and fields as a kid?just plain loving life?flying a kite in the summer sky and wishing you were the one flying?eating watermelon on the hottest days just to stay cool?going puddle jumping after a storm?watching the stars on a clear summer night?looking for the northern lights on a cold crisp winter night?laying on the grass and looking at the clouds to see animals and what ever you could make out of them?sitting on a couch all cuddled in and wrapped up in a blanket with a cup of hot coca in your hand watching the frist snow fall on a moonlite night out your window?raking a big pile of leaves and jumping in them and doing it all over again just for the fun of it?thinking about all the things I remembered made me want to know if you have good memories of things?please tell me some of your memories.this way I will know if anyone is reading this or if I am writing to my self. 

it was so gray and gloomy today I thought we all needed some color.but guess there isn,t many reading my blog so I wonder how much longer I will be posting.thank you to those who are it gives me the insentive to keep writing.  

I don,t know about you but I miss the flowers. 

the eagle in his glory.sorry there was the same pic of the fall colors.but there was a network error so I had to do it over and it ended up with two anyway. 

wings like eagels

they shall mount up with wings like eagles.Isaiah 40. [have no fear].one day in the mountain region of scotland,a gigantic eagle snatched a little baby out of his crib and flew away with him.the people of the village ran out after the big bird,but the eagle perched itself upon a nearby mountain grag.could the child possibly be rescued?a sailor tired to climb the asent,but soon gave up the attempt.a robust highlander,accoutomed to climbing those mountains,tried next and even his strength failed.at last a poor peasent woman came forward.she put one foot on the shelf of the rock then the other,one step at a time tell she rose to the very top of the cliff.while all held their breath for sheer fright,she came down step by step untill she stood at the bottom of the rock with the child safely in her arms.shouts of praise went up from the villagers as they gathered around her.why did the woman succeed when the stong sailor and the experinced mountian climber didn,t?because that woman was that babys mother.her love for her child had given her the couage to do what the others couldn,t. {authher Henrietta mears}its the same with Jesus his love for us sent him to a cruel wooden cross to die there to pay for our sin,s.he hung on that cross held there by love not nails.He came to save his children. the storms of life come and we who know the Lord and his love for us can raise above the clouds.we can fly on eagles wings to a safe place in his hands and leave the burrdens there and have peace.he never promised we would have a problem free life.he said he would be there with us to help us though.if your in a storm today and the thunder is rolling and the lighting is flashing and you feel like you may not make it.look to the Lord and his petecting wings of safety.climb under the saftey of his wing and watch the storm pass by.Psalm 91 says we dewell with in the shadow of his wing safely.I may be having problems and I wish I could just fly away,but I can sit under my fathers wing and be at peace.God bless you for reading and hope it gives you the comfort to know that the God who made you and loves you.will come and help you if you will just ask. 

as I was thinking about what to write today I thought about the way the Lord helps me.He knows the problems Iam going thourgh and He is always there to comfort me and help.life is never easy and there is always things that need fixing.and in my life there is alot of things lately.the word says in Isaiah 40,they shall mount up with wings as eagles.to me it means."to fly high above the problem and stay high above the storms of life.at times I feel so low and don,t know how to handle the problems, I get over welmed and feel like giving up.but then the Lord whispers in my ear ."this is not your problem its mine!so I hand it over to him and He works it out.lately I have been sooo busy and so unable to write cause I just didn,t know what to write.I been under some real life choices.and its hard to do if you know you will have to make the right ones.I have family who are in a place that no one should be in.and I don,t know how to help her.and one is in a place that I was in and don,t know how to help him.I feel like a failor and like my prayers aren,t being ansewd.but its not true.the Lord is with all of my loved ones and He knows how to help much more then I do.if I had the wings of a eagle I would fly high into the heavens and get as close to heaven as I was able and whisper into Gods ear "have mercy father and help my loved ones.do whats best for them heal and deliver and mend all that needs doing.but he hears me even if I stand here on earth and whisper a prayer from my heart.Lord help those I love and get them the peace they need. 

glad Lucy that we patched it up.the iam sorry helped me alot.hope all is well with you.see you when I get down there.love mom.this hasn,t been a good year for any of us.hope next year is better.  

the pumpkins are smashed and the cold winds are blowing.another harvest is coming in.the farmers are busy.soon the snow will fall.we will all be cuddled warm in our homes by the fire places or under our blankets.fall is my time of year and it lays warmly on my heart.this fall started out nice but ended on a sad note.my friend left to be with the Lord and my hubby is gone to.but I still have so much to be thankful for.on my friends funeral day my daughter and I patched things up.we said we were sorry and let the past fall behind.the good in life still out weighs the bad.things aren,t always good but you can still trust the Lord.  

some times your just better off alone.its not easy being alone.but if your able to have peace in your life and not feel like your under stress all the time your better off alone.hubby was home since some time in sep.he came home cause he said he loved me and wanted to come home.so I gave him another chance.I told him he had to stay on his pills if he did come home.and he promised he would.but he stopped shortly after coming home and had to get back on them cause he was going back to the problems he had before.well then he did it again and I finely said he had to leave becuase it was getting too weird for me.I had said if he wasn,t going to keep his promises then he would have to leave.the church we went to prayed for both of us.I felt so good after,but he didn,t seem to get much from it.I did all I knew to help him.but he said God told him he was healed and could stop taking the pills.now I said ok if God told you then in a few days I will see that things are good and know that you in fact are healed.but if things get strange again then your going to have to leave.I said is that ok with you?he said yes.so when it got wierd again I said you need to leave.he went home to live with his family.he has more suport there cause there are more of them then me.he can work in his mom,s garden and he has the church down there and people he knows.and the doctor who was seeing him is there.they wouldn,t help him here.so Iam alone again but feel its the best for both of us.some times people aren,t able to live together for reasons even they don,t understand.he is a sweet guy but this thing he is going though is way beyond what I can handle.and it wasn,t good for eather of us.things happen in those cases that are scary and one of the people have to use common since.so I feel the Lord helped me see it was not working and some one needed to make a desition before some thing did happen.when some one needs help and can see it then they can get the help they need.but if they refuse to addmit they need help and blame it on every thing but the problem then its best to step away.some people have stayed with people and ended up losing their life because of it.its wise to do what you have to before its too late.when someone is not thinking right they say and do things they don,t really mean.but its not good to be around them.for some reason I wasn,t doing what he thought I should be doing.and this made it very hard to be around him.it was a battle and I could no longer take the way things were.when he at lest took his pills there was some form of balance.but even then it wasn,t right.it was scary and hard to deal with.the mind is a funny thing.when its working right its good,but when it isn,t its not good.so I have desided to go on alone.I know the Lord is with me and will help me.its hard to think that the person who I loved is not going to be here and that I ain,t able to be wth him anymore.but its best to face the truth and go on.I did all I was able to do for him.I got him to sign up for help from SSI and called the places he needed to talk to.gave his family the info and now I hope he will follow up on it so he can get help.but it is no longer up to me.some times you have to just let the Lord deal with people.so as I did all this I put it in the Lords hands.life isn,t easy and things come along that you don,t understand.but you can trust the Lord Jesus to help you.some times you just have to do what you think is best for some one you love even if they don,t see it or understand at the time.I have to live and go on to.Iam able to stay here and do my blog and feel ok in my own home.this is the only place I have.I need peace and to feel ok about myself.the hubby kept saying we were not on the same level.well what level is that?he wouldn,t say.it was like he was in a compation with me.but I couldn,t tell for what.we are both christian and love the Lord.but he felt we were suposed to go running all over talking to every one.but the problem is you need to let the Holy Spirit lead you,or you can drive more people off then to the Lord.I find the Lord leads people to you and makes a way for a open door so they recieve what you say.this is how He has delt with me.people will come up and talk behind me about their needs and I pray about it.that is how the Lord worked with me.my hubby had a way of beating me over the head with the bible.he ment well but it was condemnation at the end.but he couldn,t see that.thank God I went to some people for prayer cause they seen what was going on and said it was a spirit of religon working on him.I was glad to see there was a reason for what was going on.before that I was confused and didn,t know what the heck was going on.any way that helped me to see what was going on and helped me to act acordingly.the paster said to just not talk with hubby about the bible.well it helped for a while but then it got weird again.so for the last few days he was here I had to go away to get away from him.I went out to lunch with the lady at the church.it was so good to just be able to talk with someone who wasn,t hiting you over the head with the bible,or telling you you weren,t right with the Lord.or you weren,t doing enough for the Lord.then I went out to my daugthers for the day.it was nice.this mess has been too much for me!!! that is why I haven,t been on the blog.I said I would tell you how the Lord helps me though the problems I have and so I will.so this is what is going on in my life.some may say yes Iam cuting and running.well no I am facing facts and trying to make the right chioces only time will tell.but I know I have asked God for the help to do what is best and I feel for now this is the best thing to do for both of us.thanks for reading and if you would please keep us in your prayers.hubby really needs your prayers cause he is having the most problems right now.me I have the Lord and his comfort and that is my holding grace.God bless you all..